I'm so blunt. I will say a very "inappropriate" thing. I get a rush from saying it though. Right before I say it I get a surge of an angry energy that must burst. It's like this burst of my father coming out to laugh at them all for even being in my presence.
I don't regret it after I say it. It's more of a smugness still coming from my father in me.
If I think about why he does it. I would guess it gives him a sense if power over them. They can't get away. For that sentence they are his to control by controlling what they hear. Not caring if it's offensive. Maybe even hoping it's offensive. To get a "rise". It's a form of force upon another person. Do you think it is emotional abuse?
a sense if power over them? yes i guess that is some of the reason i do it/and to b visible. like she say in fatal attraction; "i will not b ignored!' They can't get away for the moment but they are looking 4 the exit and they will remember u and try 2 avoid u next time. 'All wild deeds live on'~Jackson Browne
ReplyDeleteTo control, to get a "rise".by controlling what they hear not caring if it's offensive-is abuse. somehow this knowing is cut off in me at times wen i am triggered. wen i m triggered i m n my fite, flite or freeze mode. no access to the processing pt of my brain, only living inna reactivity. no choices there to be kind to anuther person=just reacting to the ghosts of the past who abused me. (this is a flashback!) then it b-cumz a boundary issue. i get mad, don't care how u feel, just wannu make my point cuz i don't care anymore. fine! if ur already evicted anyway fr where u wannu lay ur bomb it is a form of protest! u can already no u have no friend in that sort of setting.