Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Who Am I? - Beliefs About Myself

Growing up, I was told by my siblings that I'm rude. I'm naive. I'm such a bitch. I'm crazy. I'm stupid. I'm a liar.

My parents told me that I was very rude, a bad family member/employee and that I am not normal. But they also said I was cute. My dad would often tell me that I was sexy and beautiful. Both parents commented on my looks a lot through my life up until I was in my 20's. My mom still comments on my looks but points out how fat I have gotten.

As a kid I realized that the only thing I had going for me was my looks. I knew that if anybody really got to know me then they would see that I'm really just a bitch.

I believed that I was unloved and a mistake. My mother told me that I was a mistake and that she was planning to leave my abusive father until she found out that she was pregnant again. Every birthday, she still tells me how painful the birth was. It sounds like the worst day of her life. She often tells me that I am just like my father, who is a sociopath.

The way that things have changed is that I'm no longer beautiful and that I believe I'm not as stupid. I've worked hard on educating myself. I'm obsessed with knowledge. (Not to the point of going to college because I'm way to scared to do that.) It's hard to have my good looks go because just as I was afraid of, I now have nothing. I'm still all of the things I believed as a child.

The thoughts are negative even the beautiful part. The thought that I was cute as a kid/teenager actually ended up hurting me in the long run.