Friday, June 6, 2014

Never fear! For Rraine is here!

I've been checked out for...say...a while now. I couldn't tell you when it began. But it doesn't matter now. For this morning I woke up as Rainne. She is my dead friend who is a hero of mine. She was always so responsible and in time. She always made sure she was doing her best and believed in others. She fed he horse on time even in the dead of winter with her puffy mittens on. I'll never forget those puffy mittons. She had a "Well let's do it" kind of attitude. Let's get it done! Let's not sit around! There are things to do and placed to go! And most if all, there are children to love who may or may not need new shoes. 

When she died I promised her that I would not forget. "Lest we forget!" ran loops in my mind. Forget what? I may have forgotten what that was. But hopefully if I hitch my tether to thoughts of her, it will find me.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Music Playlist - Contribute or Listen

I've seen a lot of posts in different forums asking for BPD music - or music for those with BPD.

Am I missing any? If so, please let me know or add using Spotify. *Please do not remove any tracks. If you'd like to save a copy of the playlist with only your favorites, please feel free to do so, as a COPY. Let me know if you need help doing this.



Jason Mraz – A Beautiful Mess
KT Tunstall – Miniature Disasters
Nine Inch Nails – Right Where It Belongs
KT Tunstall – Miniature Disasters
Nine Inch Nails – Hurt
Meredith Brooks – Bitch
Eagles – Hotel California
Johnny Cash – Hurt
Nine Inch Nails – The Hand That Feeds
Billy Joel – She's Always a Woman
Madonna – Borderline
Kelly Clarkson – Because of You
Sara Bareilles – Brave
P!nk – True Love
P!nk – How Come You're Not Here
P!nk – Don't Let Me Get Me - LP Version/Radio Edit
Sheryl Crow – Strong Enough
Hole – Doll Parts
Garbage – Stupid Girl
The Goo Goo Dolls – Iris
Rihanna – Disturbia
Eminem – The Monster
Alanis Morissette – So Unsexy
Alanis Morissette – Eight Easy Steps
Three Days Grace – Animal I Have Become
Three Days Grace – Riot
Green Day – Basket Case
Green Day – Boulevard Of Broken Dreams - feat. John Gallagher Jr., Rebecca Naomi Jones, Stark Sands, Company [Album Version]
Katy Perry – Part Of Me
Björk – Play Dead
Linkin Park – Burning In The Skies
Sarah McLachlan – Silence - DJ Tiësto's in Search of Sunrise Remix
Blue October – Into The Ocean
Blue October – Hate Me
Merle Haggard – Ever-Changing Woman
Disturbed – Asylum
Dave Matthews Band – Grey Street
Stone Sour – Unfinished
Seether – Broken - Featuring Amy Lee
Nirvana – Lithium
Radiohead – Creep
Elisa – Dancing
Sia – Breathe Me
Cindy Morgan – Can You Hear Me
Thurston Moore – Psychic Hearts
Janis Joplin – Down On Me
Céline Dion – I Want You To Need Me
Kim Carnes – Bette Davis Eyes
Janis Joplin – Piece Of My Heart
Ingrid Michaelson – Be OK
Kaulana Kanekoa and Vince Esquire – Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Finger Eleven – Good Times
Puddle Of Mudd – Blurry
Nirvana – Dumb
Oingo Boingo – No One Lives Forever
Five For Fighting – Superman (It's Not Easy)
John Mayer – Heartbreak Warfare
Natalie Merchant – My Skin
Limp Bizkit – Behind Blue Eyes
Skillet – Monster
Rise Against – Life Less Frightening
Adele – Turning Tables
Breaking Benjamin – The Diary of Jane
Joshua Radin – When You Find Me
Jimmy Eat World – Bleed American
Earshot – Wait
Linkin Park – Breaking The Habit
Muse – Map Of The Problematique
Shinedown – Second Chance
Lifehouse – Broken
Switchfoot – Concrete Girl
Bush – The Sound of Winter
The Fray – You Found Me
Lana Del Rey – Ride
Joy Division – Isolation - 2007 Re-mastered
The Veronicas – Hook Me Up
Red – Confession (What's Inside My Head)
The Barr Brothers – Beggar in the Morning
Metallica – Nothing Else Matters
Bright Eyes – Sunrise, Sunset
Daughtry – Gone
10 Years – Fix Me
Foo Fighters – Razor
3 Doors Down – Changes
Matchbox Twenty – Unwell - Remastered Version
Chevelle – Send the Pain Below
Marilyn Manson – Coma White
Counting Crows – Perfect Blue Buildings - 1994/Live At Elysée Montmartre, Paris
Counting Crows – Round Here - 1994/Live At Elysée Montmartre, Paris
Counting Crows – Round Here
Counting Crows – Perfect Blue Buildings
Hurricane Bells – Monsters
Limp Bizkit – Break Stuff
Green Day – Lazy Bones
Fun. – At Least I'm Not As Sad (As I Used To Be)
Graham Nash – Another Sleep Song
Lana Del Rey – Summertime Sadness [Lana Del Rey vs. Cedric Gervais] - Cedric Gervais Remix / Radio Edit
Aerosmith – Dream On
Creed – My Own Prison
Train – Drops of Jupiter
Neil Young – Old Man
Simon & Garfunkel – The Sound Of Silence
Peter, Paul and Mary – I'm In Love With A Big Blue Frog
Korn – Alone I Break
Mindset – I Hate You Don't Leave Me
Flyleaf – I'm So Sick
Flyleaf – All Around Me
Flyleaf – Fully Alive
Her Space Holiday – Japanese Gum
Björk – Unravel
Dashboard Confessional – Bend And Not Break
AHS Project – American Horror Story Theme (Long Version)
Speedy Ortiz – American Horror
Speedy Ortiz – American Horror
AHS Project – American Horror Story Theme (Tv Version)
Garbage – Only Happy When It Rains
Missy Higgins – Where I Stood
Apocalyptica – I Don't Care
Taproot – Poem
Rev Theory – Broken Bones
Oren Lavie – Her Morning Elegance
Red – Breathe Into Me
Panic! At The Disco – This Is Gospel
K's Choice – Now Is Mine
K's Choice – Everything For Free
K's Choice – 20,000 Seconds
Parov Stelar – Shine feat. Lilja Bloom

Friday, February 28, 2014

I'm Angry

I keep getting angry at the fact that I don't remember all of the abuse. He confessed to my mother and judge of more details than I can even imagine. He said that I wanted it and liked it. I'm angry at the fact that he did that. I'm angry that I can be so ruined mentally over something I don't even remember. I realize that it must be there somewhere and that it's eating me from inside. But I'm angry that my mind would deceive me that way. I'm angry at the parole board for letting him go from the time he got from the abuse of my baby sister though he confessed of what he did to me and my other sister. I'm angry that I will never have MY day in court due to the statute of limitations. I'm angry at my mother for not knowing or not believing her intuition. I'm angry at myself for feeling so sorry for myself when my abuse is in the PAST while other children are enduring it at this moment. I'm angry at myself for letting his grip on me remain after all theses years. I'm angry that my conception kept my parents together even though she was leaving him because he beat her. I'm angry that she continued the pregnancy. I'm angry at myself for taking that first breath.


Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Life Worth Living



I was born with a biological predisposition to emotional dysregulation, which means I'm highly sensitive, highly reactive and slow return to baseline. Then, my invalidating and inconsistent family environment lead me to have difficulty tolerating stress, poor communication skills, and irrational thinking. Now I don't trust my own judgement. I have low self-esteem, identity crisis and don't know how to self-soothe. Everything is mood driven - the moment is what counts. NOT the overall goal. I never learned that “Thoughts are not facts, emotions are not facts”.


One example of an invalidating environment is when I told my step-mom about some of my private experiences of abuse, she said that her dad did it too. She explained that my father had repented and cried a lot. So I should be able to forgive him and move on.


I invalidate my own experiences, thoughts and feelings based on the idea that I am over-reacting. I was always told that I was over-reacting. I still am.


I have a lot of distorted thinking. I look at things in absolute, black and white categories. People in my life are either on a pedestal or in the depths of hell. 


I also dwell on the negatives. I discount my achievements, because all of my failures outweigh them. They don't count.


I often think others are reacting negatively toward me. Even though I have no idea what they are thinking. If somebody's having a bad day. I just know it's something I've done.


When I make a mistake I tell myself that I'm a loser and an idiot. Rather than admitting that I simply made a mistake.


There is always somebody to blame. I know that it's either me or somebody else.


I'd like to learn DBT skills so that I can learn to live rather than react to life. I want to be able to feel "normal" and good about myself. I'd like to be able to go into public without dread. I'd like to stop harming myself so I can appear "normal". I want to be able to have a good reputation. I want to be somebody that people can trust and have a long friendship with. I want to be able to hang out with friends and family.


Behaviors to decrease

1. I'd like to not have such a chaotic relationship with those in my life.
2. I'd like to be able to label my emotions and moods.

Behaviors to Increase

1. I'd like to be able to relate to people in a positive and smooth manner.
2. I want to be more flexible and approachable
3. I'd like to be able to regulate my emotions on my own without turning to self harm or other destructive behaviors.
4. I'd like to be able to be mindful on a regular basis.

References: 

SP, DBT Classes
David Burns, M.D., Adapted from “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy”
Skills Training Manual page 107
Alec L. Miller, Jill H, Rathus, Marsha M. Linehan, “Dialectical Behavioral Therapy with Suicidal Adolescents”, pages 311 and 312

Friday, February 14, 2014

Not Real

I never got a chance to be good. I was bad from the start. 

I never got to know what it feels like to be pure.

I never got to be honest. I had lies to keep. 

I've had permanent black tar all over my body.

I may learn to live like a person but I will never be real.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Think of the last time you were really angry. Why was that?


Think of the last time you were really angry. Why was that?

For me, the last time I was really angry is two days ago. I was watching a BPD YouTube playlist. It came to a guy that just put down people with BPD and said that we are dangerous. He said that people should stay away. It made me so angry because it felt like he was being a bigot. It felt like he was judging me as a person without even getting to know me. I felt personally attacked.

I tried not to let some guy I didn't know or need to know control my feelings. I knew I was being stupid. I am even still mad at myself for letting it trigger me for a few days. I even cut because of it.

It's so stupid.

Please comment.

Who Am I? - Beliefs About Myself


Growing up, I was told by my siblings that I'm rude. I'm naive. I'm such a bitch. I'm crazy. I'm stupid. I'm a liar.

My parents told me that I was very rude, a bad family member/employee and that I am not normal. But they also said I was cute. My dad would often tell me that I was sexy and beautiful. Both parents commented on my looks a lot through my life up until I was in my 20's. My mom still comments on my looks but points out how fat I have gotten.

As a kid I realized that the only thing I had going for me was my looks. I knew that if anybody really got to know me then they would see that I'm really just a bitch.

I believed that I was unloved and a mistake. My mother told me that I was a mistake and that she was planning to leave my abusive father until she found out that she was pregnant again. Every birthday, she still tells me how painful the birth was. It sounds like the worst day of her life. She often tells me that I am just like my father, who is a sociopath.

The way that things have changed is that I'm no longer beautiful and that I believe I'm not as stupid. I've worked hard on educating myself. I'm obsessed with knowledge. (Not to the point of going to college because I'm way to scared to do that.) It's hard to have my good looks go because just as I was afraid of, I now have nothing. I'm still all of the things I believed as a child.

The thoughts are negative even the beautiful part. The thought that I was cute as a kid/teenager actually ended up hurting me in the long run.

Monday, February 10, 2014

In crisis

I just want to die. I am so sick of trying to pretend for the sake of everybody else. The only reason I'm still here typing this is because I don't want to cause trauma for my kids. Why were they so cursed to have been given me as their mother?

I used to think my father was put on this earth without a soul & should be killed. Now I am just like him.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Therapist Interview Questions

I'm compiling a list of questions for my next therapist. I will update as I think of other critical items. Any suggestions?

How do you feel about people with BPD?
What kind of experience do you have working with BPD?
Do you specialize in DBT?
Do you use diary cards?
Can I call you 24/7 regarding DBT?
Can I email you?
How long do your treat your average client?
Do you have plans to move or cease operation in the next 2 years?
What would you do if I stopped calling you or showing up?
Do you have a private therapy room with no view from the outside of the room or building by passers-by?
What will you do when I am hospitalized for a crisis?

Break the silence for suicide attempt survivors.

Friday, February 7, 2014

The Elevator

The Elevator



Why isn't he paying the price,
for living in my nightmares? 

The prazosin doesn't block the dreams, 
It only silences my screams.

He's out there.
Pretending to be sane.

Now before I can stop the elevator,
kids come out as his king and queens.

They are scarred and confused.
And forever hated by society.

Labeled as having Borderline Personality Disorder.
Or as bad people and liars.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

BAD Personality

Bad


I did it again. I read this article. Now I feel like I don't have any type of illness. I'm just a jerk! I'm a bitch and a liar and a major manipulator. I feel so ashamed, I'm just a trouble-maker with a BAD personality. Therapists just pretend to care. They really just want my money and then for me to get the hell out!

I'm not a good person. I'm a bad seed. I taint the world by being here.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Scars


I didn't grow up with scars, bruises or any kind of beating marks. I walked around with scars on the inside -- on my heart.

When I started cutting as an adult, it was such a relief. When I cut there is real blood dripping from my body. It's real. It's not just in my mind. Those scars are on the outside now. So everybody can see. So I can see.

I'm proud of my scars. I want people to wonder. I want people to speculate, "Maybe that's why she acts differently. Maybe there is more to the story."

Saturday, February 1, 2014

M3 Score 2/1/14

Personality Disorder Test Results

Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||| 26%
Schizoid || 10%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||| 58%
Antisocial |||||||||||| 46%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Histrionic |||||||||||||| 54%
Narcissistic |||||| 30%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 66%
Dependent |||||| 30%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||| 38%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Blog For Mental Health 2014



I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.

I have just "come out" with my mental illness. I have been keeping it inside for over 20 years. I have so much to say and to share about my experiences with BPD. It has been so refreshing and such a release since I started my blog last year. I have hardly any viewers right now, but even if I can connect with just one person, then I will feel that my efforts are worth while.

I'm also including posts of my childhood diaries growing up as a child of a sociopath. As I transcribe them, I am seeing all kinds of the BPD traits coming out at a young age. I've always known that I was different, emotionally than my friends. It's been a release to know what it was and why I was feeling all of those feelings.

I hope to find others living with BPD. It is so surprising when I read about others with the same feelings.

Please comment on my posts even if you don't agree with me.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Is There Such Thing as Mental Illness?

I came across this YouTube video in some random internet surf. It is rather long so I listened to it as I worked. It was interesting. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know that what I experienced as a child before I was medicated was not normal, whether you call it mental illness or not. The experiences I have now are not normal either.

Take a moment when you have 48 minutes and give it a gander.

I'd really like to hear what you think.

Please Click here to comment or click the comment link above.

nevermind

nevermind

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Is Being Blunt Emotional Abuse?


I'm so blunt. I will say a very "inappropriate" thing. I get a rush from saying it though. Right before I say it I get a surge of an angry energy that must burst. It's like this burst of my father coming out to laugh at them all for even being in my presence.

I don't regret it after I say it. It's more of a smugness still coming from my father in me. 

If I think about why he does it. I would guess it gives him a sense if power over them. They can't get away. For that sentence they are his to control by controlling what they hear. Not caring if it's offensive. Maybe even hoping it's offensive. To get a "rise". It's a form of force upon another person. Do you think it is emotional abuse?

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

I Became Wayne Dyer


Dr. Wayne Dyer
Dr. Wayne Dyer
One of my goals in life is to write my story. So I've begun typing up my journals starting
with the loony bin ones. This morning I woke up drained and down I felt like I had just gotten out of the terrible place, SLBH. I realized I had been triggered and was experiencing a a kind of a flash-back. I had to work consciously to get out of the funk.

I generally take on the personalities if people I know. I began to ponder. Which personality type would be good for me now - to get out of this funk (or flashback)?

I became Wayne Dyer.  Otherwise known as Reverend. Otherwise known as Righteous Me.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

3 Things

Three things I'd like to change:
Not delete people when I'm upset-burn bridges.
Not react in such an out bursting and manipulative way when I'm offended or upset.
Not get suicidal.

Drugs

Currently taking:
Effexor for ?? Anxiety?
Prazosin for nightmares
Gabapentin as a mood stabilizer - makes me feel high
Hydroxizine for anxiety-  I go on rampage when I miss
Trazodone for sleep - doesn't seem to work
Doxycycline for acne / doesn't seem to work
Omeprazol for acid reflux

Previous Drugs
Lithium - overdosed & received dialysis
Prozac - caused numbness of feelings
Tomazapam
Seroquel - made me fatter
Paxil - suicide attempt
Lamictol - Stevens Johnson Syndrome 
Zoloft - overdosed