Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Boogyman

Sitting in the back of our station wagon, my mom broke the news and it broke my heart. "Not my dad! How could he!" I was warned of the boogyman since I could walk. I was just finding out that my dad was a boogyman. He selfishly hurt our close family friend. Charges weren't pressed because she was afraid her dad would end up in prison for killing him.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Chemical straight jacket

I'll put on my chemical straight jacket and everything will be moot.

Anger

I am feeling angry because I hate myself and wish I would just die already. I'm a mistake. Unwanted. Yet I feel sorry for myself when there are ones who are worse off than I am. I'm so selfish and rude. Uncaring and disgusting. The only reason I am alive to write this is so my children don't lose their mother to suicide. 

Self Loathing Righteousness

I don't want to come across as holier than thou. But I could never imagine myself hanging out at a bar with someone who has admitted that he has molested you &/or your siblings. And even if that's the case why would one do that if they felt they had to hide that fact from another sibling? I try to make decisions that I can talk openly about. Even if they are mistakes, I accept the mistakes and don't try to hide them. I know it's not my job to understand what my siblings are thinking or going through. I feel so guilty for being so disgusted by the whole idea of them partying together? It's not my place. Right?

Monday, July 6, 2015

Pre Traumatic Stress Syndrome

It's going on now. Not then. Currently. Hugs and nudges and sick mindedness. It festers and peaks. How does one recover from the trauma of future? 

Monday, June 15, 2015

Fault

My dad said it was her fault because she was so rude to him. She would push his buttons. She was asking for it.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Condemned

I just condemned myself to at least another two years of life. I made Kumara promise to talk to me about something when he turns 16.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Filth

Depression is filth that you're too tired to clean away. 

The obscenity of your filth is brushed away with the worlds trash.

Pray

I pray for darkness, sickness and disease. 

But only if it's me.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Communication

I feel so badly right now. There is some kind of reaction going on in my body. I'm not sure why. I don't know if it's the new med I am on for "the startles" or hormonal. I am super edgy like my nerves are all on the surface. I feel so badly because I yelled at Devdan tonight. It was awful. He did nothing wrong, really. I just yelled at him with such a mean voice. I guess he was already mad so when I tried to apologize he didn't care. He turned his back on me and when I told him not to, he said, "Why, you did it your whole marriage to Dad! The marriage failed because you didn't communicate!"

Monday, April 27, 2015

Pride

I don't know if it's a turning point or just a phase, but I feel proud today. I stood up to him. I don't know anybody else who did that. There's one person but she ended up willing to take a bribe to make it all go away. But luckily the district attorney had already gotten ahold of it by then. I saw the fire and told everybody to get out! I stood up to him and didn't back down. Why should that ruin my life? He should be scared of me! I'm not afraid of him. He's folly. A liar! A cheater! I've seen the boogy man! I will shine my light on him and say, "Boo, boogyman!"

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Not so straight

Thinking straight today. Ashamed of what I am. I am ashamed that I am so broken. I am to blame for hurting so many people just by being me. I intend to be a kind person spreading joy and acceptance. Instead I am a mess. A selfish abuser. I am a very bad person. I do and say the most annoying things. People disown me when I talk about my feelings. My thoughts and feelings are unacceptable.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

I Will Not Cut

I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut. I will not cut...

Friday, June 6, 2014

Never fear! For Rraine is here!

I've been checked out for...say...a while now. I couldn't tell you when it began. But it doesn't matter now. For this morning I woke up as Rainne. She is my dead friend who is a hero of mine. She was always so responsible and in time. She always made sure she was doing her best and believed in others. She fed he horse on time even in the dead of winter with her puffy mittens on. I'll never forget those puffy mittons. She had a "Well let's do it" kind of attitude. Let's get it done! Let's not sit around! There are things to do and placed to go! And most if all, there are children to love who may or may not need new shoes. 

When she died I promised her that I would not forget. "Lest we forget!" ran loops in my mind. Forget what? I may have forgotten what that was. But hopefully if I hitch my tether to thoughts of her, it will find me.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Music Playlist - Contribute or Listen

I've seen a lot of posts in different forums asking for BPD music - or music for those with BPD.

Am I missing any? If so, please let me know below. I've taken the collaborative feature off because someone removed tracks. You can save the ones you like to your own playlist. Log into spotify on the computer and right click the ones you like and then "add to playlist" then "new playlist". Let me know if you need help doing this.



Jason Mraz – A Beautiful Mess
KT Tunstall – Miniature Disasters
Nine Inch Nails – Right Where It Belongs
KT Tunstall – Miniature Disasters
Nine Inch Nails – Hurt
Meredith Brooks – Bitch
Eagles – Hotel California
Johnny Cash – Hurt
Nine Inch Nails – The Hand That Feeds
Billy Joel – She's Always a Woman
Madonna – Borderline
Kelly Clarkson – Because of You
Sara Bareilles – Brave
P!nk – True Love
P!nk – How Come You're Not Here
P!nk – Don't Let Me Get Me - LP Version/Radio Edit
Sheryl Crow – Strong Enough
Hole – Doll Parts
Garbage – Stupid Girl
The Goo Goo Dolls – Iris
Rihanna – Disturbia
Eminem – The Monster
Alanis Morissette – So Unsexy
Alanis Morissette – Eight Easy Steps
Three Days Grace – Animal I Have Become
Three Days Grace – Riot
Green Day – Basket Case
Green Day – Boulevard Of Broken Dreams - feat. John Gallagher Jr., Rebecca Naomi Jones, Stark Sands, Company [Album Version]
Katy Perry – Part Of Me
Björk – Play Dead
Linkin Park – Burning In The Skies
Sarah McLachlan – Silence - DJ Tiësto's in Search of Sunrise Remix
Blue October – Into The Ocean
Blue October – Hate Me
Merle Haggard – Ever-Changing Woman
Disturbed – Asylum
Dave Matthews Band – Grey Street
Stone Sour – Unfinished
Seether – Broken - Featuring Amy Lee
Nirvana – Lithium
Radiohead – Creep
Elisa – Dancing
Sia – Breathe Me
Cindy Morgan – Can You Hear Me
Thurston Moore – Psychic Hearts
Janis Joplin – Down On Me
Céline Dion – I Want You To Need Me
Kim Carnes – Bette Davis Eyes
Janis Joplin – Piece Of My Heart
Ingrid Michaelson – Be OK
Kaulana Kanekoa and Vince Esquire – Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Finger Eleven – Good Times
Puddle Of Mudd – Blurry
Nirvana – Dumb
Oingo Boingo – No One Lives Forever
Five For Fighting – Superman (It's Not Easy)
John Mayer – Heartbreak Warfare
Natalie Merchant – My Skin
Limp Bizkit – Behind Blue Eyes
Skillet – Monster
Rise Against – Life Less Frightening
Adele – Turning Tables
Breaking Benjamin – The Diary of Jane
Joshua Radin – When You Find Me
Jimmy Eat World – Bleed American
Earshot – Wait
Linkin Park – Breaking The Habit
Muse – Map Of The Problematique
Shinedown – Second Chance
Lifehouse – Broken
Switchfoot – Concrete Girl
Bush – The Sound of Winter
The Fray – You Found Me
Lana Del Rey – Ride
Joy Division – Isolation - 2007 Re-mastered
The Veronicas – Hook Me Up
Red – Confession (What's Inside My Head)
The Barr Brothers – Beggar in the Morning
Metallica – Nothing Else Matters
Bright Eyes – Sunrise, Sunset
Daughtry – Gone
10 Years – Fix Me
Foo Fighters – Razor
3 Doors Down – Changes
Matchbox Twenty – Unwell - Remastered Version
Chevelle – Send the Pain Below
Marilyn Manson – Coma White
Counting Crows – Perfect Blue Buildings - 1994/Live At Elysée Montmartre, Paris
Counting Crows – Round Here - 1994/Live At Elysée Montmartre, Paris
Counting Crows – Round Here
Counting Crows – Perfect Blue Buildings
Hurricane Bells – Monsters
Limp Bizkit – Break Stuff
Green Day – Lazy Bones
Fun. – At Least I'm Not As Sad (As I Used To Be)
Graham Nash – Another Sleep Song
Lana Del Rey – Summertime Sadness [Lana Del Rey vs. Cedric Gervais] - Cedric Gervais Remix / Radio Edit
Aerosmith – Dream On
Creed – My Own Prison
Train – Drops of Jupiter
Neil Young – Old Man
Simon & Garfunkel – The Sound Of Silence
Peter, Paul and Mary – I'm In Love With A Big Blue Frog
Korn – Alone I Break
Mindset – I Hate You Don't Leave Me
Flyleaf – I'm So Sick
Flyleaf – All Around Me
Flyleaf – Fully Alive
Her Space Holiday – Japanese Gum
Björk – Unravel
Dashboard Confessional – Bend And Not Break
AHS Project – American Horror Story Theme (Long Version)
Speedy Ortiz – American Horror
Speedy Ortiz – American Horror
AHS Project – American Horror Story Theme (Tv Version)
Garbage – Only Happy When It Rains
Missy Higgins – Where I Stood
Apocalyptica – I Don't Care
Taproot – Poem
Rev Theory – Broken Bones
Oren Lavie – Her Morning Elegance
Red – Breathe Into Me
Panic! At The Disco – This Is Gospel
K's Choice – Now Is Mine
K's Choice – Everything For Free
K's Choice – 20,000 Seconds
Parov Stelar – Shine feat. Lilja Bloom

Friday, February 28, 2014

I'm Angry

I keep getting angry at the fact that I don't remember all of the abuse. He confessed to my mother and judge of more details than I can even imagine. He said that I wanted it and liked it. I'm angry at the fact that he did that. I'm angry that I can be so ruined mentally over something I don't even remember. I realize that it must be there somewhere and that it's eating me from inside. But I'm angry that my mind would deceive me that way. I'm angry at the parole board for letting him go from the time he got from the abuse of my baby sister though he confessed of what he did to me and my other sister. I'm angry that I will never have MY day in court due to the statute of limitations. I'm angry at my mother for not knowing or not believing her intuition. I'm angry at myself for feeling so sorry for myself when my abuse is in the PAST while other children are enduring it at this moment. I'm angry at myself for letting his grip on me remain after all theses years. I'm angry that my conception kept my parents together even though she was leaving him because he beat her. I'm angry that she continued the pregnancy. I'm angry at myself for taking that first breath.


Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Life Worth Living



I was born with a biological predisposition to emotional dysregulation, which means I'm highly sensitive, highly reactive and slow return to baseline. Then, my invalidating and inconsistent family environment lead me to have difficulty tolerating stress, poor communication skills, and irrational thinking. Now I don't trust my own judgement. I have low self-esteem, identity crisis and don't know how to self-soothe. Everything is mood driven - the moment is what counts. NOT the overall goal. I never learned that “Thoughts are not facts, emotions are not facts”.


One example of an invalidating environment is when I told my step-mom about some of my private experiences of abuse, she said that her dad did it too. She explained that my father had repented and cried a lot. So I should be able to forgive him and move on.


I invalidate my own experiences, thoughts and feelings based on the idea that I am over-reacting. I was always told that I was over-reacting. I still am.


I have a lot of distorted thinking. I look at things in absolute, black and white categories. People in my life are either on a pedestal or in the depths of hell. 


I also dwell on the negatives. I discount my achievements, because all of my failures outweigh them. They don't count.


I often think others are reacting negatively toward me. Even though I have no idea what they are thinking. If somebody's having a bad day. I just know it's something I've done.


When I make a mistake I tell myself that I'm a loser and an idiot. Rather than admitting that I simply made a mistake.


There is always somebody to blame. I know that it's either me or somebody else.


I'd like to learn DBT skills so that I can learn to live rather than react to life. I want to be able to feel "normal" and good about myself. I'd like to be able to go into public without dread. I'd like to stop harming myself so I can appear "normal". I want to be able to have a good reputation. I want to be somebody that people can trust and have a long friendship with. I want to be able to hang out with friends and family.


Behaviors to decrease

1. I'd like to not have such a chaotic relationship with those in my life.
2. I'd like to be able to label my emotions and moods.

Behaviors to Increase

1. I'd like to be able to relate to people in a positive and smooth manner.
2. I want to be more flexible and approachable
3. I'd like to be able to regulate my emotions on my own without turning to self harm or other destructive behaviors.
4. I'd like to be able to be mindful on a regular basis.

References: 

SP, DBT Classes
David Burns, M.D., Adapted from “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy”
Skills Training Manual page 107
Alec L. Miller, Jill H, Rathus, Marsha M. Linehan, “Dialectical Behavioral Therapy with Suicidal Adolescents”, pages 311 and 312

Friday, February 14, 2014

Not Real

I never got a chance to be good. I was bad from the start. 

I never got to know what it feels like to be pure.

I never got to be honest. I had lies to keep. 

I've had permanent black tar all over my body.

I may learn to live like a person but I will never be real.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Think of the last time you were really angry. Why was that?


Think of the last time you were really angry. Why was that?

For me, the last time I was really angry is two days ago. I was watching a BPD YouTube playlist. It came to a guy that just put down people with BPD and said that we are dangerous. He said that people should stay away. It made me so angry because it felt like he was being a bigot. It felt like he was judging me as a person without even getting to know me. I felt personally attacked.

I tried not to let some guy I didn't know or need to know control my feelings. I knew I was being stupid. I am even still mad at myself for letting it trigger me for a few days. I even cut because of it.

It's so stupid.

Please comment.

Who Am I? - Beliefs About Myself


Growing up, I was told by my siblings that I'm rude. I'm naive. I'm such a bitch. I'm crazy. I'm stupid. I'm a liar.

My parents told me that I was very rude, a bad family member/employee and that I am not normal. But they also said I was cute. My dad would often tell me that I was sexy and beautiful. Both parents commented on my looks a lot through my life up until I was in my 20's. My mom still comments on my looks but points out how fat I have gotten.

As a kid I realized that the only thing I had going for me was my looks. I knew that if anybody really got to know me then they would see that I'm really just a bitch.

I believed that I was unloved and a mistake. My mother told me that I was a mistake and that she was planning to leave my abusive father until she found out that she was pregnant again. Every birthday, she still tells me how painful the birth was. It sounds like the worst day of her life. She often tells me that I am just like my father, who is a sociopath.

The way that things have changed is that I'm no longer beautiful and that I believe I'm not as stupid. I've worked hard on educating myself. I'm obsessed with knowledge. (Not to the point of going to college because I'm way to scared to do that.) It's hard to have my good looks go because just as I was afraid of, I now have nothing. I'm still all of the things I believed as a child.

The thoughts are negative even the beautiful part. The thought that I was cute as a kid/teenager actually ended up hurting me in the long run.