Monday, July 20, 1992

I Feel Nothing

Jul. 20th, 1992 

Mister Diarreah head.

I don't know how to spell that. (diarreah) sad huh? Man. Mister Diary, I guess it's fine to face reality. I'll start from the beginning. I really did believe that I loved Jed. But... now. I really don't think I do, or even did. Right now, I fee nothing for him. Nope-Nadda! It's dull. When I'm with him it's just like... boring. He doesn't excite me anymore. And if it were real love it woudln't have faded that fast. Maybe it was just that I wanted a boyfriend so bad. I got my kisses-and now I'm not into Vincent-Head any more. It's not that I'm sick of him. I'm just not in love with him. It's time to face the facts. Except I don't know what to do now. You know how much I hate break-upness. It causes pain, revenge, and hate. I don't want to hate Jed and I don't want him to hate me. But if I stick with the relationship I might get real sick of him and end up being cruel to him in the end. I like having "boyfriend" around. I wonder why I am so cruel to him though. Sometimes when he hugs me I feel so uncomfortable and other times I love it. Why? And when it makes me feel uncomfortable it makes me feel Really Uncomfortable and I don't' know why. I guess I just don't like guys touching me, but then again I love it! Doesn't that make any sense. I've got a lot of thinking to do.