Monday, July 14, 1997

I'm a Bitch, a Lover

July 14, 1992

God, I feel like such a shit head. Why am I so god damn stupid. What is wrong with me? Today I was a bitch?! Why? Why am I so cruel to Jed? I love him more than anything and I treat him like shit. Gosh. I sure have started to swear a lot. That looks scumish. Doesn't it? What can I do to stop being so cruel to my lover Jed-head? But! It's not only Jed. I'm rude/well I should say "I've been rude" to all of my boyfriends. Why? Maybe it's time to change. I've got to stop myself. Cuz it's not funny! What can I do to stop myself? I don't even know why I am so cruel so how can I stop. You can't stop something if you don't know why it's happening. Right? Okay let see. I started treating a guy cruel when I get comfortable with him. Why? Why do they put up with it? Maybe that's why I do it. Because they put up with it. God-I hope I can stop!! Today I asked Jed if it'd be okay if I went on a date with Jason-a friend of mine that I met at MK's church pig-out thing. Know something Mister Diary? I miss Jacky. I really do. I wish we could still be good friends. It's too bad. But life goes on and we've got to move on. Maybe I should start going to my __ again-my psychologist. No, he didn't really help me. He helped just as much as you, my Mister Diary. All he did was sat there & listened. That's no more than what you do. Right? God, I'm wierd. I talk to my diary like it's a "mister". I'm gonna tell you how much I love Jed again. I love him so much!! He is so God Damn cute! Today I was in a P.M.S. pissy mood & I was trying to be pissed at Jed. He got all pissed and got out of the car & started to do a pissy shake-I guess. I don't know what it was, but then he threw his keys under the garbage at the 7 eleven. He disappeared behind the garbage for a while-I guess he was on his hands & knees, trying to get his keys out from underneath the garbage, either that or he was pissin'. Still it was pretty funny. I just couldn't be mad at him. He makes me smile! And know what is funny? He told me the same thing I told you in the entry before. Actually it's in the last entry of my other diary. How funny. Tomorrow I've got to apologize for being cruel to him today. I hope I can stop it. I hate myself for being a bitch to the guy I love. I hope he understands. Of course he'll understand. He's one of the most understanding guys I know. I sure hope he understands. Hmm. I think his sister thinks I'm a nerdy little goofy-head. Oh well, I'm not out to impress. (Obviously). I'm gonna write Jed a letter, what should I write? We'll see :) . I'll be back- BPD-goofy-head Ghost Age 16