Tuesday, July 14, 1992

I Don't Know How to Treat People

July 14, 1992

Hey mister diary-

I'm back. Today I feel lonely. I feel neglected and stepped on. I worked eleven hours today. I went in at 11:30 & I just left at 9:30. I'm ready to work some more! But it can get stressful.

This morning, before work JV told me that he'd come by my work @ 1:00. He never showed up. 

I'm back, I just got off the phone with JV. I really love the guy, but I get the feeling that he doesn't really love me. What should I do? Well, There's nothing I can do except to enjoy it while it lasts. Right? :). God, today was the first day since I met JV that I went without seeing him. Can you believe it? And my heart begins to ache. And do you know what hurts? JV didn't even try to see me. I guess he's getting sick of me. Do you know what I think? I think that JV only lusts me. I think he only liked me cuz he wanted to kiss me & touch me all over almost all over . And now that he's done just that it's not that big of a deal anymore. He got what he wanted so now he can move on. God.... Please let that not be the case!! Maybe it's just Penelope (PMS), but I'm sure feeling depressed right now. Life sucks so freeking bad. Happiness is always one step ahead of you. You always say "if only I had this, then I'd be happy" then, you get that one thing that's supposed to make you happy, you think about all the other things you need to make you happy. Like me, before, I used to swear that once I get a boyfriend my life would be a circus. But hey! I've got a boyfriend and I'm just as lonely as before. I'm just lonely with a guy to talk about. If only I was skinny & pretty he'd be over here with me. If only JV was by my side-then, I'd be happy. Nope-that's not the way it works! Happiness should be in the now. I should be happy right now for what is happening here & now. That's really what I believe. if only I could practice what I preach. it's easier said than done. I'll work on it though. -I'm a failure. I'm incapable of loving JV. I'm incapable of having a good relationship. I treat people like scum. I've been that way since I was a tiny kid. I remember my family telling me that I was so rude. I really am. I don't know how to treat people. I'm scum & I think I should die. I'm a flaky rude bitch!!

BPD Ghost